A Shameful Admission

BACKPOST: This was compiled in March, 2009, but it never quite made it onto the web, so here it is now.

Growing up, my mother always told me "Think before you speak," words of advice that I slowly, painfully took to heart. Perhaps the worst instance of foot in mouth I experienced was when my older sister got back from summer camp. When my mom informed her that our beta fish had died during her absence, I kindly tried to warn her "Are you going to cry? Be prepared to cry more." And so she indelicately learned that her pet guinea pig Thumper had also passed away. Needless to say, I eventually learned to keep my mouth shut. And then...

Twitter happened.

This "social networking" site thrives on people spinning off thoughts with immediate and careless abandon. I was doomed from the start. But on the bright side, I became a lot more interesting of a person in the last 15 years, so my off-the-cuff remarks actually have a small modicum of value, in my own opinion. I've compiled for you some of my favorite tweets of the last month. According to my friends, I also have an incurable need to do things differently, which is why the first word in each tweet is capitalized.

BELLYACHING about his bellyache. 10:51 PM Mar 8th from txt

IS LOATH to wash away this morning's stupendously wacky bedhead. 2:28 PM Mar 15th from txt

THINKS grilled cheese is groovy and grillz are just cheesy. 4:12 PM Mar 17th from txt

THINKS there's too much green in my life. This is not an environmental statement, simply an aesthetic observation. 4:52 PM Mar 18th from txt

NEVER try to upstage a redhead. You and your blah hair don't stand a chance.12:46 PM Mar 19th from txt

CAPITAL letters are like a juicy pickle - relish the exceptional crunch, but do so sparingly. 2:25 PM Mar 23rd from txt

MORE important than asking "who let the dogs out?" is answering "who's going to clean the mess off of the neighbor's lawn?" 9:20 AM Mar 25th from mobile web

TOOK class with Ballet Idaho. It was cinematic. They drag in oversized bags and bite-sized dogs. IDT dancers get scolded for having coffee. 10:10 PM Mar 25th from txt

DON'T you wish everyone was more tolerant? Lactose-tolerant, I mean. It ain't no kinda life without good cheese. 8:13 PM Mar 26th from txt

NOT such a big deal to fall asleep reading tweets if in bed. Bad idea in bathtub. Which I just did--wetronics. 1:48 AM Mar 27th from mobile web

TWITTER will be the death of my battery. 11:44 AM Mar 27th from txt

ISN'T it funny how "ain't" doesn't qualify as a real word, but we consider it a contraction and punctuate it accordingly? 2:14 PM Mar 27th from txt

WHO wears short shorts? People with short legs, DUH! 9:49 PM Mar 27th from web

SOBRIETY check - Spelling? Pretty good. Punctuation? All there. Syntax? Kinda weak. I should call a cab. 2:32 AM Mar 28th from txt

GIVEN a 50/50 chance, I'm 80% sure to get it wrong. 10:47 AM Mar 28th from txt

TWO most important meals of the day -- Coffee and dieting. Oreos are a close third. 7:22 PM Mar 28th from txt

LET'S declare tomorrow National "Bare Your Best Bruise" Day. It's the skin art that smarts! 12:32 PM Mar 29th from txt

ONBOARD with the concept of "I think, therefore I am," but have seen precious little evidence that the reverse is true. 1:52 PM Mar 29th from txt

MONDAYS always make me feel like a catwalk-strutting supermodel. I'm hungry, running late and look like I was dressed by a loony. 9:06 AM Mar 30th from web

HAVE the same expectations for your snooze button as you would for sleeping with a celebrity - you only get to hit that once. 11:18 PM Mar 30th from web

LET'S make a deal, weather gods. Give me sunshine to run to my car, and you can rain on my first parade. 4:00 PM Mar 31st from txt

MAN, your car ROCKS! Look how smoothly you cut me off! 8:18 PM Mar 31st from txt

JUST called my dog "dawg." It was sort of a joke, and no one was around, but I still feel ridiculous. 8:27 AM Apr 1st from web

HEADED to the Jemnasium. That what I call the place in my mind that I go to when I don't want to talk to people at the gymnasium. 6:58 PM Apr 1st from web

MY five o'clock shadow is more of a nocturnal beast. It only comes out late at night. 8:44 PM Apr 1st from mobile web

BLUgals w/wildgeese&whiskrs on roses-moonflakes & kitns w/snitzl 4 noses-britecopr dogbees w/silvrwite wings-dese RA few o my fevrish dreams. 9:37 PM Apr 1st from web

WELL I cleaned THAT pudding cup's clock! 6:32 PM Apr 2nd from web

TOO much self-reflection fogs up the mirror. 5:45 PM Apr 3rd from txt

GEEZ, even mini-bagels don't fit in normal toasters. Same annoyance, less numminess. 8:12 PM Apr 3rd from web

IT'S embarrassing trying to spell embarrass without a spell checker. 9:25 PM Apr 4th from mobile web

@colinmansfield OVERUSING abbreviations is much like teenaged mumbling. Speak up, boy! Grandpa Jem can't understand a wrd yr sying! 7:39 PM Apr 5th from txt

PRACTICING my smarmy smirk and fumbling gunplay. I hear henchman is a recession-proof position. Gonna need a blingy pinkie ring too. 8:33 PM Apr 5th from txt

HATING cat hair all over my legs! By extension, I hate that ball of future follicle transfer sleeping over on that couch. 5:00 PM Apr 6th from web

FRED meyer won't tell me their gas prices over the phone. Do they NOT want me to drive out of my way to give them business? 9:08 PM Apr 6th from txt

ARE sculpture artists just being uppity when they call their work "landscape poetry?" It might be poetic, yes, but it doesn't have metre. 9:24 PM Apr 6th from txt

MY favorite word right now - belligerent. Use it on a friend. You won't regret it. 6:49 PM Apr 7th from txt

GUESS who forgot to return an uncle's plunger and now is doing so at two in the morning? You'll probably get it on the first try. 1:52 AM Apr 9th from txt

GUESS who is now barefootedly dumpster-diving behind Savers, in the rain, with his fly open? You have ten guesses. 2:06 AM Apr 9th from txt

TODAY'S to do list - Shave. Everything. 10:37 AM Apr 9th from mobile web

AGGRESSIVE driver? No, just very talented. 4:02 PM Apr 9th from txt

IF girls have moxie, what do boys have? Guff? 5:25 PM Apr 9th from txt

IDT "Full Throttle" continues tonight! 8:00 @ SPEC. Free intermission performance by the Jonas Brothers! 3:16 PM Apr 10th from web

TAKING off waterproof makeup is like bathing a three-year old. You're only marginally successful, and end up with soap in your eyes. 5:44 PM Apr 12th from txt

MY diet ended six hours ago. I kicked it out of the car when I turned onto ROCKY ROAD!!! 11:06 PM Apr 12th from txt

THINKING "mother of pearl!" will be my new expletive of choice. Cute, inoffensive and the perfect number of syllables. 1:38 PM Apr 13th from mobile web

NAPPING seems to make/returns easier to face/1040EZzzzzz. A slothful haiku. 4:38 PM Apr 14th from txt

BELIEVES in dragons and true love and many other myths. 10:09 AM Apr 15th from txt

MY phone is so cute. Its plaintive chirps for more juice grow fainter and fainter... like a grown-up's tamagatchi. 2:56 PM Apr 15th from web

DADGUMIT! Forgot to buy coffee for the morn. My crack habit has once again come between me and my primary addiction. about 20 hours ago from web

@ilaQuinn DIDN'T you know? Coffee is a gateway drug to a life of sleezy alertness & debauched productivity. Crack just makes you dance weird. about 20 hours ago from web

MY nasal infection must have hit a spring thaw. Everything's moving downhill now. about 19 hours ago from web

JUST saw a lonesome squirrel tail sans arboreal rodent. Mister Nutkin, could this be yours? about 8 hours ago from txt

SORRY. I'm not officially authorized to deal with your sass. Please try the Pushover Department next door. about 8 hours ago from txt

ABOUT to eat my first bite ever of shepherd's pie. I imagine it will taste like a Donner party in my mouth. about 4 hours ago from txt

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