A Shameful Admission

BACKPOST: This was compiled in March, 2009, but it never quite made it onto the web, so here it is now.

Growing up, my mother always told me "Think before you speak," words of advice that I slowly, painfully took to heart. Perhaps the worst instance of foot in mouth I experienced was when my older sister got back from summer camp. When my mom informed her that our beta fish had died during her absence, I kindly tried to warn her "Are you going to cry? Be prepared to cry more." And so she indelicately learned that her pet guinea pig Thumper had also passed away. Needless to say, I eventually learned to keep my mouth shut. And then...

Twitter happened.

This "social networking" site thrives on people spinning off thoughts with immediate and careless abandon. I was doomed from the start. But on the bright side, I became a lot more interesting of a person in the last 15 years, so my off-the-cuff remarks actually have a small modicum of value, in my own opinion. I've compiled for you some of my favorite tweets of the last month. According to my friends, I also have an incurable need to do things differently, which is why the first word in each tweet is capitalized.

BELLYACHING about his bellyache. 10:51 PM Mar 8th from txt

IS LOATH to wash away this morning's stupendously wacky bedhead. 2:28 PM Mar 15th from txt

THINKS grilled cheese is groovy and grillz are just cheesy. 4:12 PM Mar 17th from txt

THINKS there's too much green in my life. This is not an environmental statement, simply an aesthetic observation. 4:52 PM Mar 18th from txt

NEVER try to upstage a redhead. You and your blah hair don't stand a chance.12:46 PM Mar 19th from txt

CAPITAL letters are like a juicy pickle - relish the exceptional crunch, but do so sparingly. 2:25 PM Mar 23rd from txt

MORE important than asking "who let the dogs out?" is answering "who's going to clean the mess off of the neighbor's lawn?" 9:20 AM Mar 25th from mobile web

TOOK class with Ballet Idaho. It was cinematic. They drag in oversized bags and bite-sized dogs. IDT dancers get scolded for having coffee. 10:10 PM Mar 25th from txt

DON'T you wish everyone was more tolerant? Lactose-tolerant, I mean. It ain't no kinda life without good cheese. 8:13 PM Mar 26th from txt

NOT such a big deal to fall asleep reading tweets if in bed. Bad idea in bathtub. Which I just did--wetronics. 1:48 AM Mar 27th from mobile web

TWITTER will be the death of my battery. 11:44 AM Mar 27th from txt

ISN'T it funny how "ain't" doesn't qualify as a real word, but we consider it a contraction and punctuate it accordingly? 2:14 PM Mar 27th from txt

WHO wears short shorts? People with short legs, DUH! 9:49 PM Mar 27th from web

SOBRIETY check - Spelling? Pretty good. Punctuation? All there. Syntax? Kinda weak. I should call a cab. 2:32 AM Mar 28th from txt

GIVEN a 50/50 chance, I'm 80% sure to get it wrong. 10:47 AM Mar 28th from txt

TWO most important meals of the day -- Coffee and dieting. Oreos are a close third. 7:22 PM Mar 28th from txt

LET'S declare tomorrow National "Bare Your Best Bruise" Day. It's the skin art that smarts! 12:32 PM Mar 29th from txt

ONBOARD with the concept of "I think, therefore I am," but have seen precious little evidence that the reverse is true. 1:52 PM Mar 29th from txt

MONDAYS always make me feel like a catwalk-strutting supermodel. I'm hungry, running late and look like I was dressed by a loony. 9:06 AM Mar 30th from web

HAVE the same expectations for your snooze button as you would for sleeping with a celebrity - you only get to hit that once. 11:18 PM Mar 30th from web

LET'S make a deal, weather gods. Give me sunshine to run to my car, and you can rain on my first parade. 4:00 PM Mar 31st from txt

MAN, your car ROCKS! Look how smoothly you cut me off! 8:18 PM Mar 31st from txt

JUST called my dog "dawg." It was sort of a joke, and no one was around, but I still feel ridiculous. 8:27 AM Apr 1st from web

HEADED to the Jemnasium. That what I call the place in my mind that I go to when I don't want to talk to people at the gymnasium. 6:58 PM Apr 1st from web

MY five o'clock shadow is more of a nocturnal beast. It only comes out late at night. 8:44 PM Apr 1st from mobile web

BLUgals w/wildgeese&whiskrs on roses-moonflakes & kitns w/snitzl 4 noses-britecopr dogbees w/silvrwite wings-dese RA few o my fevrish dreams. 9:37 PM Apr 1st from web

WELL I cleaned THAT pudding cup's clock! 6:32 PM Apr 2nd from web

TOO much self-reflection fogs up the mirror. 5:45 PM Apr 3rd from txt

GEEZ, even mini-bagels don't fit in normal toasters. Same annoyance, less numminess. 8:12 PM Apr 3rd from web

IT'S embarrassing trying to spell embarrass without a spell checker. 9:25 PM Apr 4th from mobile web

@colinmansfield OVERUSING abbreviations is much like teenaged mumbling. Speak up, boy! Grandpa Jem can't understand a wrd yr sying! 7:39 PM Apr 5th from txt

PRACTICING my smarmy smirk and fumbling gunplay. I hear henchman is a recession-proof position. Gonna need a blingy pinkie ring too. 8:33 PM Apr 5th from txt

HATING cat hair all over my legs! By extension, I hate that ball of future follicle transfer sleeping over on that couch. 5:00 PM Apr 6th from web

FRED meyer won't tell me their gas prices over the phone. Do they NOT want me to drive out of my way to give them business? 9:08 PM Apr 6th from txt

ARE sculpture artists just being uppity when they call their work "landscape poetry?" It might be poetic, yes, but it doesn't have metre. 9:24 PM Apr 6th from txt

MY favorite word right now - belligerent. Use it on a friend. You won't regret it. 6:49 PM Apr 7th from txt

GUESS who forgot to return an uncle's plunger and now is doing so at two in the morning? You'll probably get it on the first try. 1:52 AM Apr 9th from txt

GUESS who is now barefootedly dumpster-diving behind Savers, in the rain, with his fly open? You have ten guesses. 2:06 AM Apr 9th from txt

TODAY'S to do list - Shave. Everything. 10:37 AM Apr 9th from mobile web

AGGRESSIVE driver? No, just very talented. 4:02 PM Apr 9th from txt

IF girls have moxie, what do boys have? Guff? 5:25 PM Apr 9th from txt

IDT "Full Throttle" continues tonight! 8:00 @ SPEC. Free intermission performance by the Jonas Brothers! 3:16 PM Apr 10th from web

TAKING off waterproof makeup is like bathing a three-year old. You're only marginally successful, and end up with soap in your eyes. 5:44 PM Apr 12th from txt

MY diet ended six hours ago. I kicked it out of the car when I turned onto ROCKY ROAD!!! 11:06 PM Apr 12th from txt

THINKING "mother of pearl!" will be my new expletive of choice. Cute, inoffensive and the perfect number of syllables. 1:38 PM Apr 13th from mobile web

NAPPING seems to make/returns easier to face/1040EZzzzzz. A slothful haiku. 4:38 PM Apr 14th from txt

BELIEVES in dragons and true love and many other myths. 10:09 AM Apr 15th from txt

MY phone is so cute. Its plaintive chirps for more juice grow fainter and fainter... like a grown-up's tamagatchi. 2:56 PM Apr 15th from web

DADGUMIT! Forgot to buy coffee for the morn. My crack habit has once again come between me and my primary addiction. about 20 hours ago from web

@ilaQuinn DIDN'T you know? Coffee is a gateway drug to a life of sleezy alertness & debauched productivity. Crack just makes you dance weird. about 20 hours ago from web

MY nasal infection must have hit a spring thaw. Everything's moving downhill now. about 19 hours ago from web

JUST saw a lonesome squirrel tail sans arboreal rodent. Mister Nutkin, could this be yours? about 8 hours ago from txt

SORRY. I'm not officially authorized to deal with your sass. Please try the Pushover Department next door. about 8 hours ago from txt

ABOUT to eat my first bite ever of shepherd's pie. I imagine it will taste like a Donner party in my mouth. about 4 hours ago from txt

YOU CAN FOLLOW MY TWITTER AT WWW.TWITTER.COM/TERRETYETH or CHECK THE SIDEBAR ON THIS BLOG.

One of the crack-slippers

Once in a great while (fortunately a rare occurance), an article I've worked on is deemed untimely, too obscure of a subject or simply chopped for space. While I've mostly kept these back from being published elsewhere, I'm giving you this one for free.

A Space Oddity
Christmas on Mars is not your typical band film.

by Jeremiah Robert Wierenga



No one can accuse the Flaming Lips of doing things halfway. While your average rock frontman might crowd-surf, lead singer Wayne Coyne typically traverses atop concert-goers in a giant plastic bubble. Many groups have released a double album; In 1997 the Lips spun out Zaireeka, a four-disc epic designed to be played simultaneously on four stereos. So it's little wonder that Coyne and company, when deciding to foray into filmmaking, didn't just show up on set for a pre-written picture show. Christmas on Mars, the group's 2008 sci-fi yuletime psych-fable, is written, scored, directed and acted by members of the band, with longtime collaborators Bradley Beesley and George Salisbury assisting with cinematography and editing.

Mars has been recently colonized, but a series of mechanical breakdowns and the prenatal tensions surrounding the first homesteader pregnancy - an out-of-utero event scientifically timed to terminate with a Christ-like Christmas morning birth - has created a dismal and hopeless atmosphere amongst the settlers. With untreated injuries and low oxygen-induced hallucinations, the station's workers encounter visions of vulva-headed marching bands and decomposing babies. Major Syrtis (Steven Drozd - guitar, keys) is tasked with organizing the outpost's first Christmas pageant in order to improve morale. After his original Santa commits a space-lock suicide, Syrtis encounters a silent, green-skinned spaceman (Wayne Coyne - vocals, guitar) who passively steps into the role as Syrtis struggles to remain in control of his own sanity.

Imagine the psychedelic imagery of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) mixed with production values recalling Ed Wood's Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) and you're still only partway to envisaging this film. Unlike typical band movies, Christmas on Mars doesn't feature any songs - excepting an a capella duet of Silent Night sung by Drozd and SNL's Fred Armisen. Instead, the Lips score the film to coincide with onscreen light flashes and color sequences. Shot primarily on 16mm film on sets built in and around Coyne's Oklahoma City house, the film has a DIY charm as l.e.d. light fans and re-purposed police tape accentuate the stark, industrial sets.

Christmas on Mars is sort of fascinatingly boring, with a plodding, bleak storyline and an abundance of done-before visual vaginal references, but the languorous pace and hypnotic musical synchronization lead to a sort of stupefied satisfaction at the film's simple resolution. It's not entertaining, it's not easy, but viewed as a space themed film study or visual tone piece, it's pretty freakin' fantastic. Coyne's re-imagining of Santa as a mute Martian returns to the original alien conception of Saint Nick as a mysterious, unseen elf. The addition of clever cameos - including Adam Goldberg's amazing showing as the colony's fatalist psychologist - and feather light religious references make Christmas on Mars an eccentric addition to the band film genre. While Flaming Lips devotees already habituated the the band's offbeat outputs will be the bulk of this film's audience, Christmas on Mars will be found an engaging and exotic yuletime treat by any lover of idiosyncratic filmmaking.

Just one more thing...

that I fill my time with. Give an ear, and maybe a suggestion.



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